Family & the Holidays

Part 1 (Published December 5, 2021)

In past years, I have reflected on how difficult the holidays can be for some families.  This year, I thought that it might be helpful to have a more in-depth reflection on navigating potential family problems during this holiday season. 

In my experience as a counselor, this time of year can be particularly difficult for families who have interpersonal conflicts and struggles with other family members.  When these struggles are present, it can take away from the entire holiday spirit of generosity, hospitality, and focus on Christ. 

They can also leave us with deep emotional wounds and feelings of rejection.  This can obviously have a significant impact on our mental health and spiritual lives. 

Today, I want to discuss preparing for family gatherings where tensions might arise.  It is important to remember to stay focused on what we can control.  It is too easy to worry and become angry about things that are outside of our control, but what can we do about things we cannot control?  Nothing.  The only thing we can control is our reaction to the difficult things we encounter. 

If you know your uncle is going to complain about the food or your sister is going to bring up politics that you do not want to discuss, prepare for these encounters by focusing on how you can react (or not react) to what happens.  Think of strategies for staying calm and peaceful in the midst of the chaos and then use them when the day comes.  Maybe this means redirecting the conversation by changing topics or simply not engaging in the conversation at all.  These are things within your control!

Part 2 (Published December 12, 2021)

This week, we will be continuing our discussion of surviving family conflicts during the holiday season by reflecting on avoiding battles of loyalty and allegiance.  An example of this is an individual or group wanting to avoid in-laws during the holidays.  If you struggle with your in-laws, you are not alone.  It is one of the most common complaints that I hear this time of year. 

One thing that is important to reflect on is how rifts between families can cause people in the middle to feel like they have to choose sides.  An example is a husband who does not want to visit his wife’s family and so he does his best to avoid them or becomes angry with them frequently.  Imagine the position that this puts the wife in.  She can feel like she has to choose sides or that she has to be loyal to her family of origin or to her husband. 

Obviously, this can cause many difficult feelings for the wife.  It might be useful for the husband to prioritize his wife’s wellbeing and mental health by finding ways to maintain a functioning and cordial relationship with his in-laws.  It is not going to be easy, but it will help to find some sense of harmony and peace between all parties involved. 

As we discussed last week, we cannot control other people’s behaviors, only our reactions to these behaviors.  If this is a regular struggle, it might also be helpful to pursue counseling.  Counseling can be very helpful for navigating together the difficulties involved when two or more families come together.

Part 3 (Published December 19, 2021)

In the last two weeks, we have discussed strategies to navigate potential family issues that commonly arise during the holiday season.  This week, I thought it might be useful to discuss how we can help family members who struggle with mental health issues.  Encouraging someone to get help with their mental health can be a very delicate subject.  Some people get offended by the recommendation, which is very understandable. 

If you think a family member or loved one would benefit from mental health services, it would be good to spend some time reflecting on why you want their mental health to improve.  Telling someone you think they should attend counseling because you love them and want them to experience peace, fulfillment, and joy is very different than pointing out their problems, accusing them of various things, and telling them to go to counseling to “get their act together.”  One obviously sounds more charitable and loving than the other. 

It is also useful to explain that a person going to counseling does not mean that the person is bad, terribly dysfunctional, or “crazy.”  Counseling is for people who are having a difficult time, would benefit from having someone to talk through things with, and could learn some tools for improving their mental health. 

The stigmas around mental health have improved, but there are still many influences that prevent people from getting the help they need.  Encouraging people out of love and explaining that counseling is not a radical thing for extreme cases can go a long way. 

This week, consider reflecting on how you can better encourage loved ones with their mental health and how you can accompany them on their journey to healing and fulfillment.